According to the show I watched last Sunday, 2013 is the year of new beginnings for most of us. A great way to start anew especially during its earlier months.

I snorted while typing those words. New beginnings - maybe yes, maybe no.

Giving a quick recall of 2012, I was employed by my current company as a technical writer. I proofread, edit, write, read, translate, email, and the cycle goes on like a sick carousel. This new world gave me a sweet welcome at first, offered me a fresh start in a different field where no one knows my past, promised me possible learning and character growth; however on my 2nd month, sadly this world turned upside down and poured sour milk all over my head. How unfortunate the start of my career went, I thought to myself.

Despite the pros I listed mentally: travel/location, schedule, non-programming tasks, salary, upon which I could ask for nothing more - lies a thin line that separates me from true happiness: Doubt. A selfish thought frantically longing for peace of mind and allowing my ghosts to haunt me every minute passing by.

With doubt, fear is always associated.

Fear of taking the wrong detour in life.
Fear of not surviving this journey.
Fear of being lost in this mad world.
Fear of failure.

Above all,
Fear of not being good enough.

To speak the truth, I don't have the right to complain about my work. I know there are millions of people who are much more unlucky than me, says Dr. Seuss.

As much as I would love to love this so-called "blessing", my heart keeps sinking and it's getting harder to breathe. Everyday I wake up not wanting to get up from my bed and prepare for another day at work. Everyday I'm allowing my mind to drift off its own and wander wherever it wishes to and I find myself over thinking what-if's and what nots. Everyday I'm counting days like a guilty inmate in his cell. Everyday... it feels like I'm wasting time and efforts, simply because I'm not happy. :'(

If there's nothing to ask for a work like this, then why do I feel as if there's something missing?

.. and the universe slapped my face to awaken another persona inside me: The Writer within. It came to me quietly and slowly, like the sun peeking through the thickest clouds after a damn raging storm. Maybe that's the reason why I was sent here, maybe it's a dormant talent of some sort, maybe things will be worthy enough to travel down this long road ahead. Maybe I was too discouraged that I could not see the goodness in it and what lies in the near future. Maybe, hopefully after two years when people ask me what I want in my life.. I will know as I have finally overcome my doubts and fears. Most importantly, Life has brought me one of the greatest manifestations of  the nurtured soul - the sense of fulfillment. And this story marks the new beginning towards contentment and genuine happiness.

~

Labels: prose, rants