Please be informed this may be another rant post. I think I already turned this online journal into a rant blog haaaaa.

Labels: blacksheeps, friends, rants

According to the show I watched last Sunday, 2013 is the year of new beginnings for most of us. A great way to start anew especially during its earlier months.

I snorted while typing those words. New beginnings - maybe yes, maybe no.

Giving a quick recall of 2012, I was employed by my current company as a technical writer. I proofread, edit, write, read, translate, email, and the cycle goes on like a sick carousel. This new world gave me a sweet welcome at first, offered me a fresh start in a different field where no one knows my past, promised me possible learning and character growth; however on my 2nd month, sadly this world turned upside down and poured sour milk all over my head. How unfortunate the start of my career went, I thought to myself.

Despite the pros I listed mentally: travel/location, schedule, non-programming tasks, salary, upon which I could ask for nothing more - lies a thin line that separates me from true happiness: Doubt. A selfish thought frantically longing for peace of mind and allowing my ghosts to haunt me every minute passing by.

With doubt, fear is always associated.

Fear of taking the wrong detour in life.
Fear of not surviving this journey.
Fear of being lost in this mad world.
Fear of failure.

Above all,
Fear of not being good enough.

To speak the truth, I don't have the right to complain about my work. I know there are millions of people who are much more unlucky than me, says Dr. Seuss.

As much as I would love to love this so-called "blessing", my heart keeps sinking and it's getting harder to breathe. Everyday I wake up not wanting to get up from my bed and prepare for another day at work. Everyday I'm allowing my mind to drift off its own and wander wherever it wishes to and I find myself over thinking what-if's and what nots. Everyday I'm counting days like a guilty inmate in his cell. Everyday... it feels like I'm wasting time and efforts, simply because I'm not happy. :'(

If there's nothing to ask for a work like this, then why do I feel as if there's something missing?

.. and the universe slapped my face to awaken another persona inside me: The Writer within. It came to me quietly and slowly, like the sun peeking through the thickest clouds after a damn raging storm. Maybe that's the reason why I was sent here, maybe it's a dormant talent of some sort, maybe things will be worthy enough to travel down this long road ahead. Maybe I was too discouraged that I could not see the goodness in it and what lies in the near future. Maybe, hopefully after two years when people ask me what I want in my life.. I will know as I have finally overcome my doubts and fears. Most importantly, Life has brought me one of the greatest manifestations of  the nurtured soul - the sense of fulfillment. And this story marks the new beginning towards contentment and genuine happiness.

~

Labels: prose, rants

I have yet another rant post before the year ends. 2012 was totally not a good year for me.

Hindi ko talaga alam anong gusto ko. Parati nalang akong hindi makuntento sa anong meron ako. I asked Him to guide/lead me to the job I need and want. Location/Schedule-wise and Non-programming related work, this was a right choice. But there's something missing and I have no idea what that is. :(

Maybe the gloomy office affects the interaction too, explains why I still feel socially awkward when I'm with most of the employees.

2013, I'm begging you to pull me up from this discontentment. I don't want to suffer anymore with a dead-end job and a dead-end life.

Labels: rants, tagalog, work

December 5th. It's been two months and two days since I started working.

And on this day, I officially declare that I wanted out of this employed life.

Yes? No? Maybe because I'm the only technical writer in the company, meaning all paper documents and marketing collateral are handled by yours truly. If not all, then maybe most of them and I'm not enjoying every second of it.

Earlier today, I even thought of filing a resignation (kapal ng mukha, 2mos palang naman ako) but of course, I wouldn't do that. I was pouring my emotions to a friend/officemate out via Skype because of my overwhelming workload. Imagine this,

I'm translating the user manual from English to German manually. I could've sent the manual for translation instead of doing this dirty work but there's this agreement where the translators charge you for every single word translated in EURO. To reduce costs, if there's an existing translated word in the language database, then you can use them for future references. Big deal: The manual I'm working on contains translated words scattered in two older manuals it followed. So I have to read all four manuals (both English and German) just to complete the current one.

That's one of the tasks, another would be preparing tweets/statuses for promoting products, websites, solutions or blogging about them. Another would be changing screenshots or making adjustments with the current manual if necessary. Btw, the manual has 235 pages. Another would be encoding the newly translated words to the language database. Yowzah!

I cannot always reason out that I'm a fresh grad and this is my first job so they have to lower their expectations and bear with me. No. I feel ashamed of being stuck in a single task too long and the others are already piling up my virtual desk (aka emails in Outlook). I'm forcing myself to adjust quickly with everything laid in front of me.

As much as I wanted to split myself into many parts to complete each task given, like that's any possible. I know myself being a multi-tasker, a proven trait during my academic years of handling different projects all at the same time. However, things got more different and complex: The only writer in the company with no one to share with the tasks or even rant about the tasks (although I do that every now and then with my officemate hihi) and who can actually understand how the role deeply fries your braincells and sucks life out of your tired soul in order for you to exert some crazy writing efforts used in various projects. (I love how I said that, I really should blog more often to squeeze my remaining creative juices).

It's been a while, old friend, since my last update. I had many finished blogs-to-be in my head but never wrote them down because of my busyness. Actually my plan was to eat dinner while preparing tweets/status/banner slogan for the holiday season. Was.

Klicken Sie auf Speichern. Klicken Sie auf Suche. Waren- oder Rezeptdetails. Curse you, Deutsch/German, for being such an annoying language to deal with lol. Tomorrow is another day. Oh I miss blogging, it gave me a momentarily relief before hitting the sack tonight and waking up again tomorrow to face my seemingly endless catalog of pending and ongoing tasks. Gute Nacht.

Labels: rants, work

Labels: blacksheeps, gg, gif, gpoy, himym, life, lovelife, random, rants, work

On the verge of raising this white flag
Impatient for another time lag
For the Clock who always stood still
Never can, never will.

Heart filled with broken dreams
End of the tunnel further than it seems
The Trophy of "Almost but not Quite"
Given again for this sorry plight.

Is it my fault? Am I one to blame?
Adding this fate to my Hall of Shame?
With which, the gift of an anticipated Aye
Turned out to be a surprising Sigh.

Hence this Tale of Close, but no Cigar
Assumed to be the worst life-chapter so far!
Putting out this one last Straw,
And a little string of distorted Faith,
Frantically longing this luckless phase
In His time, Shall be worth the wait.

~

Labels: compositions, poetry, rants

These are the possible reasons why you may think I'm in a bitchy mood:

One, I'm having that time of the month. Whoremones on the loose.
Two, I'm sick.
Three, I'm tired or hungry or sleepy.
Four, something or someone pissed me off for whatever reason.
Five, things aren't going as planned.
Six, it's raining and I'm outside, dripping wet.
Seven, disappointments.
Eight, frustrations.
Nine, heartaches.
Ten, all of the above combined. Jackpot.

Currently having those days when I don't wanna talk to people or see them and just do the usual while listening to music. And in this case, it must be the weather. Great.

Labels: rants

I'm currently inspired by the new MV of Katy Perry called "Wide Awake". I even easily identified three references of her previous MV's, such as the chest fireworks (Firework), the little girl named Katheryn (Last Friday Night) and when she punched the prince (Part of Me). I didn't really like the song when its lyric video was released on YouTube until I saw the official MV with its "Alice in Wonderland-slash-Harry Potter" theme. It really is the best video of Katy Perry so far, and a spellbinding way of ending her Teenage Dream chapter.

And because I was inspired today, I made something new! Leaving the sketchy drawn collage for awhile, I ended up surprisingly with a photo manipulation. Not to brag but I'm not even using Adobe Photoshop to create this because I don't know where to download and I'm very impatient waiting for hours to finish the installation. I must say, this one is my very first successful photomanip, thanks to DA for the images used, and it works out just as well as my previous ones. I love how the glowing effect I added on the wings and how it boosted up the color vibrance. I also added Gaussian blur thingy on the creature and her wings to come up with this oil painting effect or something. The creature looks similar to Katy Perry in her newest video, with the dark violet hair and a black dress. Lastly, the galaxy sky. :)

The story behind the image:

The creature stands in front of a forked road in the middle of a winter desert, both seem leading to nowhere in this distant planet. She's lost and unable to help herself where to go. There's nobody to call for help, except for a unicorn in the first road. She asks herself, "From here, where do I go?"

Two days earlier, I was randomly browsing through my Tumblr and I stumbled across the page of the user I was following. I read her About Me page and learned she's a student from CSB taking up Multimedia Arts.

Multimedia Arts, I recalled something from my memory lane for about four to five years ago. Right.

I was naive and young, and was rather born with this carefree happy-go-lucky attitude which can be both a blessing and a curse. I wasn't taking things seriously about what I really wanted to take in College. I thought and said to myself a few times, "whatever comes in my way". I didn't have a direction because I hoped that one day will come, I will set everything straight in my life along the way. So I heard this course called MMA. It really caught my attention since it makes use of creativity and innovation through computers. Web designing was the keyword. However someone told me some cons regarding the course (I don't know if these are true though). There were limited opportunities for this particular course in the real world not unless I will be successful enough to apply outside the country. Secondly, the materials to be used are exceptionally priceless. Given my parents' income, it's almost impractical for them to earn money that much. I didn't want to burden them in any way either so I ended up with another computer-related course. Little did I know, IS was about codes and syntax, algorithms and such, with a tinge of management. Still highly technical and analytic. I'm just lucky I even graduated on time despite my strong dislike in my course. I pushed through thinking I might actually learn to enjoy the field in the long run.

I looked up for articles and sites discussing about MMA and I realized this was the course I really wanted to pursue. I was already given some situations like the OJT part last year but I failed to notice.. or was too stubborn to care. Four years, I wasted four years of my life in terms of career choice. I should have taken that before. Who knew I might have been a CFAD student if only I took things a lot more serious? I guess it's far too late to even alter these consequences. Things are shaping up to be quite difficult than I imagined. I'm losing faith in everything else and in me.

Almost four months passed since I graduated from this course and I'm still in the current state of unemployment. Instead of enhancing my supposedly creative digital designing, I'm learning the hard way of forcing my mind analyzing and thinking out of the box to provide better solutions for clients in the IT industry. I've been praying to Him and asking for strength and guidance to continue fighting off this sinking feeling of depression. I took sometime to practice speaking for upcoming interviews. I've sent out 30+ applications both in Jobstreet and through my personal mail. Crazy as it seems, I even tried chanting spells I found in the net to attract jobs. I'm trying, sadly, my efforts weren't enough. And then it hit me..

Is it possible that I'm being tested to finally realize what I actually want? I've been letting things go wherever it leads me but I think now is the time to stop and think. There's this saying, "It's never too late to be what you actually might have been." I feel like I'm trapped in this giant labyrinth my mind has created. I'm stuck and the only way to get out is having the guts to choose which way to go. To pursue something I dislike but still considered as one of the most sought out courses today. Or to take the risk of going through unknown detours to find out if I'm really suitable in the course I feel like I was born to do.

~

Credits:
Background: [link]
Model/Creature: [link]
Wings: [link]
Forked Road: [link]
Unicorn: [link]
Glow Stars: [link]
Galaxy: Tumblr, I can't remember where I got them but thanks to the owners anyway!

Labels: art, designs, firsts, katy perry, life, photoshop, rants, work

I can't help but feel bad for myself and sympathize. I feel so hopeless on things happening or rather, not happening to me. I feel like I'm so unlucky for this winning streak of unfortunate events occurring. I need a time out.

But seriously, I want a life-changing moment to happen now. I'm calling out to you, oh beloved universe! If Ted challenged you to make it rain, then why can't I? :|

Pagod na ko sa nangyayari sa buhay ko. Minamalas o kay sakit, may balat nga ba ako sa pwet? :(

**Image shows Barney holding Feely the Share Bear on Feelings Hour for Lily's kindergarten class. I need one.

Labels: himym, rants, work

So I was browsing through my Tumblr dashboard today when I scrolled over a post about TSC being cancelled. Skeptic but curious, I went to check for myself if it was a hoax or not. Now according to Wikipedia and other websites, it's official that the network CW cancelled the show because of lower ratings. This was the first series I'm watching that got cancelled. I had to slap my face because I just watched the season-turned-series finale yesterday and it was actually a cliff hanger! I also read a supposedly new plot for the season 2 and everything gets a whole lot more interesting. :((((

Here's the link: 'The Secret Circle' Season 2: What to expect if the show gets renewed

What will happen to the Circle now that they are unbound and the Balcoin children are upto something? Will Diana get back and face her reality of being a witch? Cassie and Adam? How about Charles who took the demons out from Eban to his?? :((

There were many questions after watching the finale and learning that the show was cancelled broke my heart. :((((( This is really a great show and keeps getting better! Why'd they cancel it?? Le cry~ :(((

Somebody please make a petition for the renewal of TSC. Still hoping for some changes. Keeping my fingers crossed! :(

Labels: rants, the secret circle, tv shows

In relation to my previous entry, one of the songs I've been addicted to since I started listening to indie music was "Hard To Be You" by The 88.

RF: Hard To Be You was featured on The OC. Wink wink. ;)

The first time I heard it, it magically brought me back to my distant childhood past like a time warp. It was amazing, really. There are few songs that bring you back to a specific memory or time in your life and for me, this song was it.

The song reminds me about the good old 90's. I was a kid then, coloring books, watching cartoons and anime, playing outside with childhood neighboring friends. 10PM was already past bedtime.

I remember how I lived my life in simplicity. Closing my eyes, I can picture what our living room used to look like. It was all neat and organized. The floor was always polished. Our aquarium, with the names of my sister and mine written on a masking tape, displayed perfectly on the side table in the corner of the room. Every Christmas, we used to put up a Christmas tree and decorate them and hang our socks by the window. On the 25th, we'll jump for joy as we open our gifts and see a peso bill inside our socks.

There was also a time when a power outage occurred and all we did was tell ghost stories, play with the shadows on the walls and ceilings, and if my father's friends were in our place, they'd be having a jam session by the candle light to kill some time. Then I would listen to them singing music from their time like The Beatles, E-heads and other acoustic ones they find in their songbooks. Pretty much the type of songs they love to sing to was like Hard To Be You. The soothing blending of the voices, the soft and delicate music they made from an acoustic guitar, bass, and drums. Such dreamy and nostalgic music.

After the song's last note, it would snap me back to reality. I would look up to our living room today, full of disgusting mess together with intolerable acrid smell, while both my grannies sleep on the dusty couch that we used to sit on and not worry having bitten by bugs. My father's friends? They all grew apart. Some of which he had never spoken to again due to some reasons and some.. just lost touch. Unlike before, there were no unresolved issues and family problems.

The 2-minute song made me realize how my life was completely different 10 years ago. I thought how lucky I was to actually have that kind of life setting and I will do almost anything to have it back. I try my best to look at the brighter side, but there are things here constantly remind me of broken dreams and relationships, life frustrations, and regrets.

"I know it's hard to be me
Drug from the line in the sea
Doesn't it offer the
Doesn't it offer the
I know everything's changed"

I am not to entertain such personal questions covered by this post, esp. what problems and issues something something. If it's about the song and childhood memories, I'm cool. :)

Labels: indie rock, nostalgia, rants, the 88, thoughts

So here I am, practically back to where my unexpressed thoughts were vented out. What brings me back here was a blog entry of a friend and with that, I sort of missed blogging too.

Anyway at the present page, I’m in the midst of a level 5 bipolarity. I get these mixed signals from my scumbag brain. I dwell with this unnecessary anxieties that are difficult to handle. I’m being awfully rude to the people I love most. And they were brought up by my crazy bipolar self yet again.

Sometimes just when you thought everything was going your way like, it’s one of the happiest and most carefree part of your life, something must happen to screw things up. Just when you thought you feel all the good vibes in you, something must happen to prove you wrong. That there are tons of stuff to worry about, most of them keep you busy and drives you crazy and gives you something to do when in fact, you can just simply let them go and you’re back to being normal. But hell no, that’s not how life simply rocks. This shit throws lemons at you at your blind spot. It attacks you when you’re off guard. When you’re not prepared to face your greatest fears because you thought things were going so well in your life. And just like that, you’re frozen. You let these flow of negativity get the best of you and you’re done. And those possible investments you made with all those greatness and positive attitude are simply.. gone. Like they never were in the first place.

And you’re back to stage 1: pulling yourself together. How to cope with all these stressful things occurred in your almost perfect life. How to turn things around. How to load your best save state. How to do this and that. How to get back to your normal self and forget everything else that makes your life upset.

They call me witch for some reasons. But even witches have their own Kryptonite. And I haven’t gotten rid of mine yet. I hope I will in the soonest time possible before it actually eats me alive.

Labels: rants